Relationship Boosters Podcast Episode 29
Dr. Kia James
A Communication Killer
Criticism is not keeping it real, It is an attack of your partner.
- As opposed to stating that you have a concern, you attack your partner by stating that they have a character flaw.
- You tell your partner, “something is wrong with you.” as opposed to stating that you have a problem about a specific situation or event.
- The recipient of the criticism many times feels disrespected.
- Criticism shuts down communication
- Criticism many time starts with the statement you always or you never.
- You always make a mess. You never take out the trash.
- Being critical leads to high level conflict
We all have complaints
I am not saying that you should not communicate your complaints. What I am saying is that you should not justify an attack of your partner due to you being dissatisfied with a situation.
- A complaint allows your partner to know what you like and don’t like.
- It opens the door for more communication.
- You are sharing facts about a specific event or a situation. Sticking to the facts helps.
Attack defend cycle
Being brutally honest without tact does not communicate that you are attempting to solve a problem. This type of critical communication many times puts your partner in a defensive place. This derails the conversation and problems are not solved.
Take responsibility for yourself and your behavior. If you want to have effective communication, don’t begin a conversation in a way that will be unproductive. If you need additional assistance, check out our mini-course Avoid Turning a Disagreement into an Argument.
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